This weather, right before it rains, when the clouds are gathering and the wind has that anticipatory, urgent feel to it, when you smell that pre-rain smell, when the setting sun creates a glow in the grey, looming clouds… that’s when I feel most alive.

Today I feel that I am fighting a losing battle with Ethan…he simply will not do as I tell him to do. I know it’s a phase, but if I don’t make him do what I say now, then he never ever will! I feel so tired and frustrated. But he is such a sweet little thing, as well, and he really is a very well behaved child. As I typed that he just took off his nappy and is now streaking around the lounge room grooving to the wiggles… I will be right back.

It’s an inescapable truth now… I really have developed the hots for Greg, the Yellow Wiggle. I want to marry his son or nephew or something, seeing as he’s old now. But in the videos he’s still youngish…

If I did get with a younger relative, do you think it would cause friction in the relationship that I used to fancy Greg Wiggle like mad when I was 19???

I am so looking forward to going to Darwin now…I can’t wait for the crowds of people to be in amongst. I crave that feeling of being completely alone in the midst of lots of people, that bittersweet solitude and that relief of not having to do anything because everybody else is relating without you needing to be involved. I will be spending a day in Casurina without anybody with me… it’s going to be beautiful, I know it. There will be people shopping and working and I can just watch what’s going on without having to be involved. Utter bliss! I don’t like the sound of my voice at the moment, I don’t have words to say that work, and as a result I don’t want to speak.

I will also have to introduce myself to, and make a speech to, a bunch of complete and utter strangers. This is a different wonderful feeling because I will be pretending to be somebody else, a brave, up-front, gregarious person. I enjoy faking that for some reason. At the moment I am looking forward to being surrounded by strangers.

I have things to do today, not least of which is continue to do the best job I can with my baby. I’m tired and I’m worn, but I know soon I will be saying things which aren’t true from me or nothing at all and I’m so tired of being open. I’m sick of being myself in public, and soon I will have a rest from it. But please excuse me for a while, Ethan wants attention and Greg Wiggle calls…(well, not on the phone, but maybe one day…) Take care of yourself!

Why is it that we make it so hard for the people who want to help us, to help us? My cat loves me, she is such a beautiful kitty, she just jumped onto my lap. But I just shoved her off because I can’t type with her on. And that is just one example. Ryan, I owe you an apology for the argument(s) tonight…you were right, I don’t really want to be the chair of english at Cambridge, though at one point I did. Here is the reasons behind my behaviour…but there’s no excuse for treating you that way, ie, with unreasonable and irrational anger, and I’m sorry.

I am uncertain, I am feeling so many feelings, I am overwhelmed and out of my depth and once again wishing my feelings had that off-button that lucky people have. The problem with me is when I am overwhelmed by my feelings I normally hide, because of the inevitable result. If I am caught at this kind of time, I sway between the anger and the sadness and the happiness and the ‘pretending everything is okay’ness and all of that.

This means I

1. will lie to make it seem like all is well, or hide how I really feel,
2. unreasonably accuse people of things they didn’t mean, and take comments the wrong way, and
3. burst in to tears at the drop of a hat.

This means I

1. hurt people unnecessarily when they don’t deserve it
2. don’t ask for what I really need from people who are willing to give it
3. am a right cow

this is because I

1. feel too much
2. feel too strongly
3. feel more than I think things through

this means I

1. love more than I should
2. worry more than I should
3. cause more pain than I should

because I am quite emotionally connected with even characters in movies, I

1. know what things will upset people and use them
2. tend to take myself & my situation too seriously
3. don’t always see things clearly, because my head is clouded by my heart

this means I need

1. somebody to make me use my head
2. somebody to calm me down
3. somebody to reassure me that all I am feeling are feelings, and that they change

but because of my mood I treat the people who offer this meanly and without the thanks they deserve. Strangely, it’s always the people I most care about who make the effort and that I am meanest to.

In the future, I,

1. will ask for what I need from the people offering me love and support,
2. will own up to the way I feel to said people
3. stop taking things the wrong way from said people when we both know I know that there is another, better way to take them.

My cousin sianne just did the first of those, we are on msn. she put it better than I ever could myself…

so here I am, wanting all the things we are expected never to ask for but always desire, and feeling things we never should but often do. I’m sorry ryan, and I’m grateful for all your time and work. I’ll put more effort into making helping me easier, next time.